Call me subversive but......

I abhor politics. For the record, I'm also against seven-year auto financing, baseball on television, American flag lapel pins, apple pie (especially if coconut cream is available), and last but not least, hot dogs. On the latter, you'll just have to trust me. Having had the immeasurable privilege of touring a meat processing plant and actually seeing how they're made, I immediately went home and discarded every processed meat product in my refrigerator. I realize these particular affectations might make me appear to be less of an American, but I'm comfortable with that burden and shall endeavor to persevere.

I became a card-toting member of the politically disaffected several years ago upon having an epiphany of sorts while under the influence of certain illegal substances. I believe my position to be supported by irrefutable logic and a healthy dose of common sense. First, I'm of the belief that no one should have priority when it comes to fucking things up, and second, there's just something inherently wrong about giving a job to the candidate who proves themselves to be the most proficient liar. The second part really baffles me inasmuch as the general population is seemingly aware of the fact they're all lying but is somehow able to look past this in continuing to support a process that by all appearances is irreparably damaged.

Yeah, I'm that guy......the one in the corner office who doesn't have an "I Voted Today" sticker on the lapel of my jacket, subject to the scorn of greater patriots who taunt me with tired cliches like "It doesn't matter who you vote for as long as you vote," and "If you don't vote, you have no right to complain," and my personal favorite "it's your duty to vote." I've heard them all and have snappy comebacks for each but my rapier-like wit seems to be lost on such serious minded folks.

Despite my disregard for the political process, I do find that it makes for great entertainment. I'm inexorably drawn to debates, analysts, wonks, liberal and conservative pundits, and biased news programming like a moth to a street lamp, repeatedly bashing myself against the glow until my wings are tattered and torn, left to die a slow, agonizing death in my futile search for the truth, the way, and the light.

Damn it all, I have questions and I need some answers!

Is Barack Obama black enough? I saw him dancing on the Ellen DeGeneres show and it just made me sad. I'm pretty sure Don Cornelius, the former host of Soul Train, would've escorted his ass to the door. His attempt to find a groove looked eerily like my late, Great-Uncle Vernon dancing to "Ball of Confusion" at a family wedding. It's an image that for the longest time was deeply embedded in my mind and required multiple sessions of therapy to remove. From my chair, Bill Clinton is much blacker than Barack...for Christ Sake, he at least played the saxophone. As an aside, to this day I consider Don Cornelius to be perhaps the baddest mofo to ever grace this planet.

Hillary Clinton continues to amaze me with her unbridled zeal in squashing her opponents underneath her heels. She is absolutely ruthless. Make no mistake about it folks, underneath that impeccably tailored pant-suit from Talbot's, you'll find a leather corset, nipple clamps, and a humongous strap-on dildo, ever at the ready to make you submit to her will.

John McCain??? Really....do we need another old, white guy? I'll give some credit to John for his better half. She's perhaps the first presidential candidate's wife since Jackie O that qualifies as a MILF and she's rekindled fond memories of an older woman who, in my formative years, was both my muse and the reason I spent an extraordinary amount of time in the bathroom...if you know what I mean.

On the local scene, I give major "WTF?" awards to Roger Settler and Robert Pratt. Mr. Settler has set a new standard for bizarre behavior and to my pleasure, has thrown his hat into the upcoming Mayoral race against incumbent David Miller. Mr. Miller, whose greatest claim to fame is his forced removal of all vibrators from the greater Lubbock metropolitan area, also faces a stiff challenge from Tom Martin who by all appearances, is a desperately unhappy man. Robert Pratt, the local Rush Limbaugh "wannabe" and friend of the buffet, has been scorching Miller on his local radio show. Pratt is an obnoxious ass-clown of monumental proportion. Any hope he had of being taken seriously was cast aside with his decision to attend last years' State of the City address wearing devil horns and tail. I was absolutely stunned by the sight.....I mean, this is a grown man people. Throw all of this into the blender and we get a delectable concoction that should provide enough laughs to carry us well into the summer.

Political question of the day.....

When Delwin Jones dies, what should we do with his body? My suggestion is to take him to a taxidermist, stuff him, enclose him in a glass case, and position him on the steps of the State Capitol. Right beside him, we could place a vending machine to dispense those god-awful emory boards he's been handing out for decades. Lubbock folks could continue to vote him into office and I doubt we'd see much decline in productivity.